Aspirations

My fiancee made the (very valid) point that my post are too text heavy. I do prefer the feel of some of my older posts, so I’m going to try to apply more graphics to each article. I also have a dearth of photos from my time in the land of the rising sun. This will be first of several post where I display said photos, and tell whatever stories may be attached to them.

There is something about castles that rouses a child-like excitement in me. Youthful fantasies of knights, dragons, samurai, and ninja clashing in grand battles dance in my head. The dreams are something akin to Game of Thrones on LSD. I am constantly amazed at how amidst bustling, modern Japanese cities grand traditional structures like these castles rise out. The old and the new complementing each other more than contrasting. They balance each other out, and give each other space in a land where space is at a premium.

I visited Osaka Castle and Nijo Castle on my initial stay in Japan. When I returned, every one of my Japan faring friends asked if I visited Himeji Castle. I had not. Osaka Castle and Nijo Castle are marvelous in their own right, but it is difficult to compare them with Himeji Castle. One of the few castles to remain unscathed by the ravages of natural disaster or war (especially the second world one.) The interior is maintained just as it was in the castle’s prime, contrary to many castle that were converted into museums. It is also the largest and arguably most beautiful castle remaining in Japan.

On my next experience in Japan I set Himeji Castle at the top of my bucket list. On a warm summer’s day I set out from Kobe to the Himeji by rail. Exiting the station, I set off down the main road. At the road’s end stood Himeji Castle, ascending like some glorious statuesque mountain of white marble. The backdrop of the brilliant azure summer sky seemed almost dull in comparison. This is why they call the castle the White Crane.

Even on a week day this monument drew admirers. Passing through the outer gate I noted the children, the bohemians, and the fellow tourists. Greetings were made by an actor styled as a ninja. Photos were taken depicting my untimely demise. I entered the outer courtyard, ringed with cherry trees. Even out of bloom the trees painted a tranquil landscape in emerald and auburn. The courtyard was dotted with couples and pet owners. Dogs frolicked in the grass while one unique sight caught my eye.

A tall, young, Japanese man with a thin goatee, in khaki shorts, white polo, and fisherman’s hat stood excitedly encouraging his pet. “Banzai!” he would shout, throwing his arms in the air. “Ganbare!” he exclaimed as his little pet turtle trotted along carefree.

I don’t know why this man chose to bring his turtle to Himeji Castle. At the same time, I don’t know any reason he shouldn’t. Perhaps his turtle was lethargic at home. Maybe he feared his turtle grew depressed and needed inspiration. I like to believe that is the case. I like to believe he brought his turtle to the castle and said “Look at this my hard shelled friend. This castle has stood for hundreds of years. It is the jewel of our city. Just because you have a hard shell, does not mean you must have a hard heart.” Seeing this, the turtle elated. He saw a kindred spirit and a senpai in the castle.

He saw something to aspire toward.

More on Japan

If you’re reading this blog, it’s a safe assumption that you have some interest in Japan and it’s culture. While there are many books on Japan, most focus on history, politics, or special interests. There are countless books on kendo, the tea ceremony, ninjutsu, the Warring States Period, and the rotating turnstile of prime ministers. There aren’t terribly many that detail the day to day intricacies of life and the culture. Probably for the same reason there aren’t many on the day to day intricacies of American life. Who would want to read about something so ordinary and common sense? But what is common sense for some is fantastic for others. My previous post on Japanese dating culture received a bit of positive feedback, and I intend on writing more articles in that vein. Something along the lines of everything no one tells you about Japan.

However, it is always good to have multiple sources on any topic of interest. Don’t believe everything you read, as they say. Corroborating information strengthens any statement. So while I would like my readers to trust me, some cautious optimism is best applied. I’m human, I make mistakes and I sometimes misunderstand things. For that very reason I would encourage you to seek out more literature on Japanese culture.

If you are interested in learning more about Japan and it’s culture, please consider reading the following:

21st Century Japan: A New Sun Rising by Trevor W. Harrison
An excellent account of Japan’s more recent history and the country’s growth into its current global role. His discussion of Japan’s military and geopolitical struggles are especially worthy of note.

Japanese Culture by H. Paul Varley
This book deals with Japanese cultural history, primarily in the realm of the arts. A bit dry but a very informative read. A good book for building a foundation of understanding on the culture.

A Geek in Japan: Discovering the Land of Manga, Anime, Zen, and the Tea Ceremony by Hector Garcia
Titles like this normally don’t lend themselves to books of such quality. I was surprised at how accurate, well thought out, and concise a writing on the cultures and sub-cultures detailed of Japan. This book supplies an excellent primer to the life style of your average Japanese student, office worker, and many more. While many similar writings try to define the culture by a Western perspective, Hector Garcia does an excellent job of objectively presenting the reality faced by each facet of the population.

For more current and interactive information, the Something Awful web forum has a Japan thread run by an active group of ex-pats in numerous careers throughout Japan that discuss the culture and their experiences. The individuals on the forum are generally well spoken and well informed, discussing a broad range of topics.

Is love just a game?

Written May 12th

I had an interview last Thursday. The interview was with a Japanese mobile gaming company that I will not name. The division I was interviewing for primarily develops romance and dating simulation games, targeting women. This is interesting to me for a number of reasons.

One major reason is because there currently is no market for dating simulation games in the US. This could be taken one of two ways. One, this is an untapped niche market that nearly needs the right approach to be unleashed. Two, culturally the concept is incompatible and there is no interest (or not enough) to be economically viable to develop such games in the US. I’m leaning more towards the second, but I’m not 100% on that. My reasoning is that fan translations and imports of dating simulation games do exist, but they are a very small market and not one that pours a lot of money into their hobby (at least not to my knowledge.) These are primarily members of the otaku community, and primarily men.

The second portion of intrigue is who would be the target demographic. My fiancée is of the belief that given the rise of otaku culture in the US,  the otaku community would be it. While I’m sure there would be some interest there, I’m convinced it’s still far too small to profit from. Those who are more than casually interested in otaku culture in the US are a small percentage, and it’s a small percentage within that group who are interested in dating simulation games. This is a very niche community.

I am of the opinion that targeting fans of Twilight will garner success. Twilight fans are sizable portion of the population. They are mostly female, primarily young teenagers, preteens, and a smattering of housewives. This demographic is very similar to the target audience in Japan. Additionally, these people have expendable income, enjoy romantic fantasies, and tend to enjoy pretty boys. They are social media conscious, but not in a social situation where they can live out their romantic fantasies, and thus seek out escapism. If the books are any indication, they also prefer a more passive role, and making choices about men who seek out them. I say this in contrast to the more active social mingling that relationships are otherwise formed from (meeting people at bars, parties, dances, etc.). Going back to the not being in a social situation to seek out their romantic fantasy (either due to being shy, rather young, married, or the fact dating can be complicated) being sought after may be more appealing to this demographic. I think they would love dating sims.

This brings me to my point of primary interest. Japanese dating culture functions very differently than Western dating culture. I asked about this in my interview, and how the company is accommodating for the cultural differences. I was given an off-hand “localization is handling that” response that leads me to believe that the company isn’t very aware of the differences. Not surprising and very forgivable as even people in cross cultural relationships aren’t always aware of the differences.

Actions aren’t much of an issue as they can be explained away. For example, kokuhaku (the confession of love made when seeking a relationship) can easily be adapted, and it isn’t terribly outside norms for American dating. That’s no problem. It’s more the unspoken rules, which so much Japanese culture rests upon. Applying them in such a game may seem like arbitrary punishment and frustrate the user. For Americans,  maybe you like a person as more than a friend and you want to express that. So you kiss them, as it clearly defines you are interested in them as more than friends. That is normal. If you know your crush is spending time with a friend of the opposite gender, it might make you jealous. So long as they’re just friends, though, it’s okay. You have to have trust.

That isn’t the case with Japanese culture. Japanese  couples don’t kiss until they’ve established the relationship as boyfriend – girlfriend. If you’re interested in someone, you don’t spend time with a different person of the opposite sex (even if you are just friends.) These would be very normal actions for an American man or woman. For Japanese these are the actions of a playboy, or player. Such a person is uncommitted and not to be trusted. How are the users to know about these cultural nuances? Should they be applied or modified for the American market? I believe this will have an impact on how well the games are received.

I, however, am not the target demographic. My perspective is one of an outsider and while I have no interest in such games I am interested in seeing how they are received. I’ll be keeping an eye on this matter, and seeing how it proceeds. I’m wishing all good fortune to the company.

Reverse Culture Shock

Written May 3, 2013
I decided to move back to the US. Well, I decided to do that a while ago. I’ve already moved back to the US. My fiancée and I agreed it is better that I come here first and set up house before she comes over. Right, I’m engaged now, too. It really has been a long time since I last posted, hasn’t it?

I arrived in San Francisco last week. Being back in the US is so surreal. Like I’m in a dream on the verge of waking, brushed with a sense of déjà vu. Everything is familiar but strange. Kinda hazy.

American money still feels weird to me. Bills are all the same size, and so many coins of so little value. I keep trying to pay with quarters and then realize that would be kind of dickish. And it’s all so fragrant.

I keep forgetting tax isn’t included in prices. I’ll have the amount ready and then – oh, another eighteen cents? Hold on a moment. Well, okay, yeah. Just take it out of the five. Now I have another handful of quarters and pennies. At least I haven’t forgotten to tip yet.

Breasts. Of so many sizes and shapes. Well, really just variations on one shape.  But they have heft and bounce and are partly exposed. I’m only now realize how much I’ve been starved for the sight of cleavage. Call me a chauvinist or a pervert, but I’m just realizing how conservative the clothing of Tokyo was, and scale of difference between the mammaries of Japan and the US. It warms my heart.

Lots more cars, far fewer trains. The cars with mustaches confused the hell out of me at first. I miss hopping on the train and just going anywhere. But taxis are reasonable option here, and many if my friends have cars and can give me a ride. There’s just more space out here for cars.

Oh and how there is space. I feel like I’ve been let out of a bodice three sizes to small. On the one hand, I feel like it takes longer to do small errands because everything is spread out. On the other hand, I don’t feel so agitated by the constant crowd of people.

Return

After  a long hiatus I’ve decided to do a bit of netcromancy and revive the blog. I’ve got a bit of time on my hands these days so I’ll be posting a bit more regularly. My post on dating and relationships has received some positive attention, so I’ll be doing a little more with that. I’m planning to mix it up a bit with some picture posts and story time. So, yeah, more to come.

Kyoto

I love Kyoto because it reminds me of all of the best parts of home. Walking along this river back to my hotel reminds me of the nights I walked back to my apartment following the tracks of the B line, or the trees if Comm ave.

I sometimes worry that nostalgia is all I have left. Are my best times behind me? Dies the future have nothing to offer? Or am I living in the past and blinded by it?

I must seek the new and novel again. Where ever I am. No ruts. Less repetition.

Japanese Dating Culture

This article is mostly for the benefit of Western readers. However, I feel it can also help Japanese readers who would like to better understand the Western perspective of Japanese dating. I’ve included my thoughts as a Westerner on Japanese dating culture for that reason. Virgin or veteran, I feel for any Westerner or Easterner who dates or aspires to date inter-culturally this is worth a read. Who knows? You might just understand the other half a little better after this.

I’m going to start out with a disclaimer: Every person- and consequently every situation- is different. I’m sure people can find exceptions to what I am putting forth as general rules. But they are just that: generalities. I am by no means an expert. I am going off of my experience and some discussions with my Japanese friends and friends who have lengthy experience with the culture. Additionally, I am a man, so all of my understanding comes from the perspective of a man. I would love more input from the experiences of others. I would especially love to hear back from my Japanese friends with their thoughts and perspectives on the topic. Ladies especially. Any more I can learn will only serve myself and others better. That being said, let’s dive right in.

Japan, and as I understand it most of Asia, has a very different dating culture than that of the West. I can best describe it as courting with initial ambiguity. Things also move much more slowly than in the west.

Initial dating, or the lead up to dating, always begins in a group. You go out with mutual friends, or a group of your friends and a group of her friends together. You will probably only bring friends of the same sex. Bringing a friend of the opposite sex can often be misinterpreted. This isn’t a hard and fast rule, but more of a rule of thumb. Being in a group diffuses the pressure and allows each party to take stock of the company the other keeps. Meeting their friends and having the friends’ approval can be very important, but not always. In the group, you focus almost solely on the one you are interested in. If you can, you may break off from the group as to only talk with each other. This is how you show interest.

After several outings like this, say five or six, you may ask to do something just the two of you. A movie, grabbing coffee or going to the park. Typical date type things, but generally in public. This allows each of you to gauge how you feel about being alone with the other. After spending time together outside of the group for a while, also probably five or six times, one person will confess their love for the other. This is called “kokuhaku,” and is in most cases done by the man. If the other returns those feelings, then they become boyfriend and girlfriend. The relationship then proceeds as relationships between boyfriends and girlfriends do. There ends any significant differences.

At the point of kokuhaku is where we consider two people to begin dating. Everything before that is considered getting to know each other in a friendly manner. In the West we would argue that dating is simply getting to know someone better with romantic intent to see if you would like a relationship with them, so that the time spent outside of the group would be considered dates. From my understanding the Japanese do not see it that way.

Also to be noted is that no physical intimacy occurs until after becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. I don’t just mean sex, but kissing and I think even hand holding. All of that comes after the relationship. Attempting a kiss can make a Japanese person think you are only interested in sex or a physical relationship and not a serious or romantic relationship. A lot of miscommunication can occur here. For example, often a Westerner will want to kiss someone they are seeing and the Easterner doesn’t want to be kissed yet. The Westerner will think the Easterner isn’t interested in a relationship with him/her. The Easterner will think the Westerner only wants to sleep with him/her and doesn’t want an actual relationship. Since we in the West use kissing as an expression of romantic intent and as a stepping stone to building a relationship, it can be especially confusing and frustrating. So far as physical intimacy after becoming boyfriend and girlfriend: I believe everything is fair game. Eastern cultures don’t have the religious stigma of sex before marriage being a sin, so most are open to premarital sex. Obviously how soon they are willing to have sex after becoming boyfriend and girlfriend is based on the individual.

The use of kokuhaku is also a bit of a culture shock for Westerners. Love is a very powerful word and concept in English. Telling someone “I love you” in such a manner as kokuhaku is consequently very serious. In Western dating one would only tell someone “I love you” after being boyfriend and girlfriend for a good amount of time. One says those words only with someone they feel they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Westerners try not to say those words until they are sure of that feeling. We use the less powerful word “like” until then. But even telling someone “I like you” can be tricky. Saying those words makes the thing real and in the open. It makes you think about their feelings, your feelings and adds pressure to the situation. One worries about hurting the other person’s feelings and it turns a once playful situation very serious. For those reasons most Westerners prefer romantic actions over confessions of love. With an action you don’t need to think, simply to do. One will feel what they feel and it clarifies any concerns or confusions. Most commonly we use a kiss. Kissing is a very clear sign that someone likes and wants to date you. Unless they are drunk. Then all bets are off.

Because of the kokuhaku culture expressing interest in someone can also be tricky for a Westerner. The Japanese language does not contain gradations of the word like. All of the general words used to tell someone you have feelings for them in Japanese (好き suki, 大好き daisuki, 愛知てる ai shitteru) are equivalent to telling someone you love them. Each one is just a stronger way of saying that you love them. So far as I know there is no Japanese equivalent for “like” in the way it is used in English. This can be confusing as 好き which is generally translated into English as “like” isn’t used in the same manner when applied to people in Japanese. If a Westerner tells a Japanese person in English “I like you” or in Japanese “好きだよ” it will be interpreted as “I love you.” Most likely they will think you are giving a kokuhaku and asking them to become your significant other. The Westerner in this case most likely only wants to go on a few dates and learn if they would be interested in becoming boyfriend and girlfriend if things work out.

From a Western perspective this style of dating can seem a bit childish and immature. Some of that feeling stems from the Eastern style of dating being similar to how we in the West date during high school. Adult dating in the West moves a bit faster than the East. For adults in the West we use physical intimacy, kissing especially, as a way of determining compatibility. To remove physical intimacy from dating in the West is to make dating the same as building a friendship. If a person does not want to kiss us or be physical with us, we take that as a sign that they are not interested in us as a boyfriend / girlfriend. We assume they just want to be friends.

As I stated at the beginning, these are generalities and there will be exceptions. Easterners who have lived abroad, are a little bit older (late twenties on) or live in a major city may be more open to dating differently. With a Westerner, especially, they will expect there to be some cultural differences. They may even be aware of your cultural norms. But less traveled and young ones are more likely to be surprised by things outside of their cultural norms. There are also people who are just looking for- or are open to- one night stands, sleeping around or being friends with benefits. Roppongi in Tokyo is infamous for being rife with bars and clubs where Japanese women go to look for a one night foreign boyfriend. This is all well and good if that is what you are looking for, but seeking one night stands or a quick lay isn’t dating. Different rules apply. Some people find relationships this way but it won’t always be the best way to find one. It’s also a small subsection of the population. Not surprisingly one many foreigners find their way to.

For all the differences in dating culture one thing holds true in both: Dating can be confusing, trying and stressful. It can also be fun, wonderful and rewarding. Dating is called a game for a reason. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. The more you play, the better your chances of winning. But it always helps to know the rules of the game.

You can never go back

I had an interesting night tonight to say the least. While overall it wasn’t a page turning story, I can say I networked with a well connected member of the ruling party in this country. Not something to smirk at.

We ended up going to AgeHa tonight. A place I haven’t been to in a year. Even then my experience pales to the first memory. It is a place that holds strong emotions and changed my view on clubs. Nothing of note happened tonight, but even that doesn’t matter.

Any one who is an avid reader of the blog knows this began as a travel journal during my initial return visit to Japan. I tried to keep up with all that happened but time and laziness overtook me and I left it lingering mid story. One crucial tale I left out was my trip to AgeHa, strongly pushed by Nick and one I would not have considered on my own. But it is one I am eternally grateful for.

At AgeHa, I let loose, had fun and flirted like it was going out of style. I got phone numbers and made friends. I even got a date out of it with a woman who sings like an angel. We wrote letters after I left and had another date when I returned but two years and a pile of distance made it more than doomed. She’s engaged now. Funny how life works out sometimes.

But I wouldn’t even give clubs a chance if it wasn’t for that night. So what if things don’t work out. They might next time.

But I can’t expect it to be like last time. I came to Japan this time around hoping it would be like the adventure I had with Nick. I hoped it would be the same thrill and excitement as that vacation where I had no expectations but to have fun. But I should have known better.

You can never go back. You can’t recapture the times you once had. You can only push forward and make new memories. We can look back and wish things were like back then, but that does no good.

I am older now. Perhaps wiser. Both of those change so much of my experience. But I am still having experiences. I am still living. Still exploring. One day I will settle down. My adventures will be at an end. And maybe, just maybe, I will write them all down. But until then I will venture forth.

Until my hands blister.
Until my heels bleed.
Until my tongue grows weary from telling my tales.

The problem with solutions

The problem with solutions is you aren’t always happy with them. An irresolute situation creates more confusion, worry and strife than a negative solution. But a negative solution at least creates closure. You know what the situation is. You know what to do. You can move forward. Even if it doesn’t make you happy.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t change the fact you are unhappy.

I’m sure we’re all familiar with what the friend zone is. Men especially. Most people will settle for this either because they hope they might have the opportunity to break out of it or that what attracted them to a relationship in the first place is also appealing as a friendship. Most people convince themselves of the latter when in reality it’s the former. I say they are both useless. But for most a consolation prize feels better than nothing.

I met a woman tonight who often finds herself in the friend zone. She is beautiful and charming so this is a bit surprising. Japanese, but not as shy as many I know. She says she doesn’t know how some women get men to ask them out. Essentially, she doesn’t understand flirting.

Still, knowing how aggressive men can be and knowing she wants a boyfriend this seems unprecedented. And I feel guilty finding pleasure in knowing this happens to women too. That it’s not only men. That it’s not only me.

If learning to flirt is the issue, that’s certainly something I can teach. And if she’s interested in Westerners there is more reason for my upcoming posts on the different dating cultures.

I don’t see a relationship with the woman in question. Just another friend. I suppose I’m adding to the problem. But finding a place in yourself, secure like your home, is important. If we ever get back home, we’ll gray out our blues.

Smiles that fade

I’m starting to get a bit more settled here in Tokyo. I’m sure I’ve said that before, but it’s a process. Big city, new situation, millions of people, all that jazz. I took the time to take stock of my life and decided I’m pretty much happy with it. I have a place to live in an awesome city. I am employed and health insured. My job is fairly easy, gives me a decent salary and allows me a good deal of free time. I am moving ahead on plans for life post teaching English. I’m developing a network of friends and starting to solidify the core of it. This is also allowing me to keep my social calendar as full or as empty and I wish of it. Everything is, for the most part, pretty darn good. Are things perfect? No. I’d be lying if I denied that something big is missing.

It is no secret that I want a relationship. There is also nothing wrong with that. I am human; this is how we are wired. We are social creatures, and while friends fill certain aspects of our needs, little else provides the companionship and intimacy of a significant other. I do miss those. The issue is I was pursuing relationships in a western fashion. I mean, why not? Doing so worked perfectly well for me before. Lately, however, it caused me a bit of trouble. The result being my life is a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Highs and lows, things going really well then plummeting down to the gutters. All while I am left frustrated, disappointed, confounded and clueless. I’ve also had a combination of the best and the worst luck dating wise in quick succession. I have a number of stories I would be happy to share, but this would not be the right forum for it. What I will say about my romantic attempts with the opposite sex is this: I wish things turned out differently. I wish I had better timing. Especially with the most recent one.

But, there is nothing one can do to change the past. You can only move forward.

From all of this I am learning that Western dating culture and Eastern dating culture are vastly different. A conversation with a Japanese lady friend of mine who found herself equally confused after a few dates with a Western man began this realization. I have since spoken with a number of my Japanese friends and come to learn a good deal more about the Japanese way of doing things. From a Western perspective, the Japanese style of dating seems very regimented, strict, serious, immature and perhaps even prude. From a Japanese perspective, the Western style of dating seem brash, arrogant and slutty. Both side views the other as crazy. The Japanese language not having any gradation on the words like and love certainly doesn’t help either.

In my case, a number of people misunderstand my actions as hunting for a girlfriend- thinking that anyone will do- and that all I want is sex. This is far from the reality, and it bothered me quite a bit. Then I decided that whoever likes me and will be my friend is going to like me for me and will try to understand me. Whoever doesn’t simply isn’t going to regardless. The ones who aren’t going to like me can jump off Skytree for all I care.

I’m going to write two posts following this. One of the Western culture of dating, and one on the Japanese / Asian culture of dating. These are going to be fairly big posts, and I’m looking for input and feedback from others on this. Keep tuned you Western boys and Eastern girls. It could be useful. Or at least interesting.